Immediately striking was the silence

no faint music

low lighting inducing a feeling of

One morning a man and his wife were working in the hay.

I felt none of what I had imagined feeling before I left my apartment building

none of what I felt when I got on the train.

Encased in frosted glass marked by a placard indicating no sign in requirements was the reception desk. The room selection panel resided in a dim corridor indicated by a freestanding sign to the left of the reception desk. As the guidebook explained some room selection panels display color photographs amenities the prices peak off peak. This was just a grid of numbered buttons lit ones vacant not too many vacants. Press it stick your card key falls card pops means time has come to leave behind the lobby.

I took the elevator

sweet perfume entwined in smoky men’s cologne

up.

On the train I imagined that I was the woman sitting across from me. I have no memory of what this woman looked like what she was wearing what possessions she had with her on the train.

Right back into the elevator.

L

The man told his wife to climb up on the stack of hay.

After an unproductive stop at the room selection panel I slid my key under the reception desk window. Excuse me this room seems to be missing I said. A form appeared behind the frosted glass. I looked all over two but it’s not there I said. The sound of sandy bottom shoes. Another key beneath the window.

So there’s tile back there behind the reception desk I told myself.

New key in hand I passed the room selection corridor again.

Dark carpeting out here

embellished

3

the elevator closing

with an even darker pattern conveying a message that eyes might peek from underneath the pattern in the hope of catching someone’s falling gaze.

On the train while imagining that I was the woman sitting across from me I slipped into a dream that I was in a country cottage taking care of a little boy. I don’t know how old the boy was. I recall observing that although he was a little boy he seemed very small for his age. When I awoke due to a jolt experienced by the train the woman sitting across from me was looking straight into my eyes. I remember thinking: I know what you’re thinking you’re right under the circumstances there is no surprise in this.

What was truly shocking however was that the little boy in the dream

I remember remembering

was not just small for his age he was downright tiny my eyes wandering to the train window as if I might see him careening white against the black sky. He was a boy whom I regarded as birdlike. He was not at any time in the dream a bird. As long as he was alive he was a boy the real point of the dream seeming to be that somehow this little boy had died in my arms his body having been transferred to a large heavy plate in my lap.

As a clock in the cottage slowly ticked I

midnight on the train

I watched the decomposing of the boy on the

noonday in the dream

blood

organs

flesh

The man disappeared into the field.

It was in response to their plea that my journey was initiated.

When a person who has not known suffering walks into a certain kind of room she will be saddened shocked confused by what she feels

by what she knows

has happened there.

After a quick run through of my belongings I emerged from my apartment building with my rolling suitcase tote bag other little things that I might

matchbook in my hand

I was recalling information so ornately

irresistibly

The night we met he motioned to a padded chair said Please sit down. He filled our glasses. Candles glowed expectantly. The air was crisp the details intimately

mesmerizingly

the edges laced in black

black satin piping

jewel encrusted insects

black

adhered to

There’s a spider

jewelbacked

on the

Now it’s on the

Thus the story

white French netting

had begun.

A peanut butter sandwich candy muffin peanuts water notebook in my tote bag suitcase smartly packed it was already dark when the train pulled out of the station.

As soon as one layer of the little boy vanished the next layer vanished until eventually save the bones the tufts of hair the scatterings of dust no head there was not anything remaining on the plate.

I took the elevator right back down to L.

When I arrived at that hotel identified

It’s one of those she whispered where they go for just one night.

as where to stay

their guidebook not at all insistent

Know what I mean? she whispered.

by a matchbook

instantly my feelings totally

Day Four: Having recently returned from walking to the CORNER

SOUTHMOST of their estate where once a tiny house had stood we

I felt so at home I knew that I could never get enough. I did not want to leave. I could not even bear to think about a time when I would

were together on the VERANDAH.

When I got to that hotel however I stepped down into the patio protected by a wall of textured brick. A flagstone walkway curved around a bed of flowers.

Filled with dread I tried to keep from seeing

hearing

There is someone in my room I repeated into the tiny opening in the frosted glass window of the reception desk.

I mean to say I tried so hard to keep from being seen.

New key in hand I took the elevator up.

I’ll try to trace this back to where it started from.

The night we met

One day a man and his wife

as I proceeded down their HALLWAY

SECOND FLOOR

then down their STAIRCASE

MAIN

were working in the

down the HALLWAY

GROUND FLOOR

passing three closed doors

I felt so homesick for my bed

my windows

floors

were working in the

even for my walls. But at the same time just as soon as I had seen them seated in their STUDY I

We’d both completely understand he said to me when five nights later we had moved to the VERANDAH where she said to me If you feel you can’t do it

When the night we met I saw them seated in the STUDY I felt more at home than I had ever felt before. But previous to that moment I had

They were working in the hay.

As I proceeded down the HALLWAY

SECOND FLOOR I passed the door into their NURSERY

DAY. If I had gone inside the NURSERY

DAY then stepped into the

Had I innocently crossed the border from the one into the other then I might have found a secret doorway to a tightly curling staircase down into the GROUND FLOOR corner of their KITCHEN terminating on their BASEMENT floor.

You see

We’d both completely understand.

the night we met they took me out to their estate.

They took me in their mansion.

Led me up the STAIRCASE

NORTH

up to the SECOND FLOOR where all the bedrooms were. We have two nurseries up here too he said. Connected from inside. He pointed to a door. Explaining that attaching to the NURSERY

DAY was

No there was not any hallway door into the NURSERY

NIGHT. The only way to get into the NURSERY

NIGHT was if you entered through

He said But you won’t need to go in there.

Across the hall then down a bit she opened up a door into a pretty lemon yellow

sitting room connected to a bathroom. She said When you’ve freshened up

Come down he interrupted.

You can find us in the study she said.

Fourth door on the left he said.

Her eyes however indicated that she would not understand at all.

I can’t!

He first considers turning walking straight into the park but then considers turning back to where he started.

No!

Nor will he

He

There is a lake within the park a platform for a band raised terrace lined with statues. Platform leads by pathway to a small pavilion circled by stone pedestalled containers filled with

blood red

yellow

dark wine woven

He

who shall be introduced a little later on

continues walking.

autumn flowers

bone white

head cracked open

First I saw the flashing. Then I heard a giggling. Noted that the flashing came from sequins disappearing through the automatic doors when I stepped down into the patio as soon as I arrived at that hotel. I walked along the flagstone walkway curved around a flowerbed then stepping down again I entered through the automatic doors. Nobody there. I found the room selection panel chose a room got in the elevator

2

vibrations of a sparkling woman with a silent man who as she stepped into the elevator held his hand against her back as if to lead her gently into there.

I got out of the

They were working in the hay.

walked right

left

got back in the

L

again

Excuse me this room seems to be—

new key

back in it

3

again

again

turned right

stuck in the

HEY! GET—!

down again to

There is someone in my room I said into the tiny opening in

The man told his wife to climb up on the stack.

In other words when I arrived I couldn’t tell whom I had seen when I saw flashing.

The man told his wife to stamp it down with her pitchfork.

Yet another key in hand I took the elevator up.

The man

It isn’t what you think it is I should have told the woman sitting opposite me on the train.

the field

Some dreams are just about plates I should have said. Instead I had looked out the window of the train recalling the crisp clean pattern of blue edging the rim.

The man disappeared into the

1. Was there any indication that you were leaving?

2. Was there something we should have seen or done?

Prepared to log

survey

the contents

607

I recalled another question to be asked of him

by me

for

I mean on behalf of

the event of running into

3. Did you say anything or did you do anything that we should have picked up on?

this question followed by a secondary question that would predictably be asked

of me

by him.

We pulled up to the station. I got out with all of my belongings. She rolled down the window. She said If I know him as I think I know him

I could feel his presence in the atmosphere around the station but I could not feel his presence on the train or when I got to that hotel.

She said He’ll ask you this.

There was a lady with a face of white

limbs white

white hair. She wore a regal gown of heavy silver white brocade the fitted bodice following her figure featuring at the top a neckline framed in lace with coral satin scooped to flatter. Short capped sleeves. Peg pleat on either side the central opening in her skirt revealed the underskirts of coral inset with a rosepoint lace with sequins rhinestones pearls. A sweeping train made possible by the fullness of the skirt was drawn into a bustle in the back the waistline of the bodice catching up into a bow. The bow was flat. In time the dress would yellow

then

Don’t think her hard or cruel. The lady is

was

good kind gentle only lacking in a talent for

She had an aptitude for saving people not however for the

She had taken on as protégée had stopped from suicide no less a seamstress with a child. All that the seamstress had possessed a painting of a basket on a table pomegranate grapes an apple peach two perfect grape leaves hovering over one more apple pear quince one more peach was given to the lady who immediately arranged to have it hung in her boudoir. The lady gave the seamstress sleeping quarters put her under the authority of her chambermaid then found her neverending piles of work with several of her wealthiest acquaintances. The seamstress lived she worked inside the lady’s home her child beside her at her

left

right

Most unfortunately though the lady whom we yet may picture as a flitting snow white figure with a sparkling coral inset was oblivious to the sad conditions under which the seamstress had to work her child to pass his hours on top of hours engaged in only those most compact most restrictive forms of playing.

For example he imagined himself as hovering in each corner of the ceiling

floor

The chambermaid had put the seamstress in

At other times he saw himself as hanging from a thread’s length down a wall.

a type of linen storage closet used for sewing now. In winter under insufficient light the only heating issued from a little stove polluting the air from morning on. The seamstress who was very grateful to her benefactress did not ever make complaints. She kept her child beside her far enough away from in that unforgiving space the terrible stove as best she could.

The child who although he was very young when he had seen it would it seemed not ever forget the night when after mother had released his hand he watched her climb onto the bridge’s railing stand there weeping into dawn’s first glimmer when the lady suddenly appeared accelerated screamed for her to Wait! So there

were no complaints from child. At least not for a

Stop!

There’s more. The lady had a woman brought into the house. She was an elderly woman who had lost her family lost her friends was at the brink herself. The charitable lady kept the elderly woman working long beyond the days when most employers would have let her go. She did not realize just how overworked the poor old woman who had never asked for anything had been. She did not understand the deep fatigue. Depression. Nightmares. Searching. Did not even know that when the elderly woman’s workday up down basement stairs had started in out attic spaces cellar storage places bathrooms cloakrooms

she

the lady

though she never thought of it like this

she still had three four hours to go within her overstuffed deep buttoned rose boudoir with salmon accents on the cushions carpets curtain tassels vanity seat. As she slept soundly underneath a scarlet coverlet all contact with the world at work remained suspended.

He said It is just that there is no one else possessing what you

We both said so just as soon as we first saw you standing there she interrupted.

Clearly they could see in me what others had not seen in me

that in me all impressions feelings touches multiply

I told him she’s the one she said.

solidify

He said That’s what she said to me.

Take hold of me.

Day Four: She looked me in the eye as if to share a secret. He looked well beyond us toward the NORTH FAÇADE. We stood upon a patch of land on the estate within the CORNER

SOUTHMOST where a tiny house once stood. The stonework for that tiny house as he explained was laid by local masons. He said Quarried locally then told us that a boat was bought to carry the stone down river. All of this was engineered he said by him.

He means the late great Milton Butterfield she said.

Day Five: We then began the long walk back

To the VERANDAH she had said.

It was a period of remarks about the grounds the foliage seasons winter coming Christmas presents apple cider holly berry satin ribbon. I looked out across the lawn that seemed in its expansiveness to validate my sudden dreading of the weeks the days until it would be Christmas Day. As we approached the rising slope to where THE FIVE STONE STEPS would take us to the walkway hooking around the CORNER

NORTHWEST of the mansion she said Now just getting back to what we had been talking about last night

She paused.

I turned to watch a twinkling snowfall taking place across the lawns. Black birds were diving skipping leaving coal black markings on the white. Then suddenly

excruciatingly

the snow

the markings

disappeared.

The CORNER

NORTHWEST had bay windows looking out upon an autumn colors view that reached down to the boathouse.

Be prepared I told myself. They’re going to ask you something you won’t want to answer with an answer.

I peeked in the window from outside.

607

I stuck the key into the

Covering all four walls a figurative print rich brilliant colors created a selection of the principal trades chief occupations aspects of the Chinese style of life. Against a dark red background illustrated cutouts of a rural Chinese landscape featured brightly colored Chinese figures firing pots they hauled the pots away they loaded them on the junk they gathered rice stacked rice they argued to a judge they carried out the various stages in production not just tea but silk they even grew a Chinese garden.

It was papered in a weighty dense repetitive unceasing world of working. Talking.

Thinking.

Still it was a cheerful although seedy room small lamps on either side of the bed a Chinese chandelier two floor lamps plus a table lamp without its shade bed covered with a leafy bedspread bearing no stylistic similarity even to the garden illustrations on the walls. The bed was big enough for two coordinated with a red gold wingback chair set in the corner near the window. Bed like chair was decorated with gold satin pillows differing in their shapes all old all floppy threadbare looking.

Then I

Yes I would have liked to get to business but I took my boots off closed the heavy curtains peeled the bedspread back exposing

Once there were two teenaged sons who on cool moonlit evenings left their home and walked into the woods presumably to court young girls.

a pale pink

When I thought I saw a moving form behind the glass he took me gently by the arm then turned us all around to face the autumn colors view said There look back down there. He motioned with his finger toward the east. Now following the slope down to that tree he said you should be able to catch the corner of the boathouse there.

She said We’ll take you there.

Of course we’ll take her there he said.

She said We’ll have a picnic by the boathouse.

Though I wanted to I did not ask them when the picnic would take place.

In time the shock will fade. Her sadness may diminish too. Although repeated entrances

new acts of waking

walls the softest blue

may give impressions of repeated shock

soft carpet

blue

gauze curtains shimmering in the night

each shock remains as freshly devastating

undulating

heart

knees

fingers

as the old shock was.

No it was not my intention to fall asleep. It was my intention to rest my eyes get up go look for him.

Next morning due to (Room Service: N) to (Restaurant: N) to (Vending Machines: N) (Coffee/Tea: N) I went out to find a place for breakfast.

Late one night concealing himself behind a tree their father who for various reasons had become suspicious of these outings watched his sons begin to roll upon the ground beside a campfire.

After breakfast I walked back through playground in the park through park then made the rest of the way to the hotel. I went up to my room collected (Bag Storage: N) then took the elevator right back down returned the key into the slot below the room selection panel.

In this clearing lit up by the fire beneath a heavy to bursting moon the sons rolled over and over becoming as their father watched them wolves.

Besides some unexplainable sounds a shaving smell or two the hallways whiff of mouthwash breath were empty. If not for so few illuminated numbers on the room selection grid I would have sworn all rooms were empty too. The place felt empty

although utterly full of

I don’t think he’s here I just don’t think this thing is right I told myself when I stepped out into the patio began to make my way to (Recommended: Y).

A week

I think

It’s hard to say. No depth. No clear perspective. No free space.

before I met them I had started having problems with my

Previously

But this had been my pattern for as long as

sleep.

A lack of evidence.

I woke up. Walked. Discovered I was in the light of the refrigerator opening up a little tub of

Just about a week before I met them though I found that I would wake up get up out of bed

dried cherries. Not so interested anymore in snacks I found that I was walking through my dark apartment

As their father watched them from behind the trees the wolves attacked and murdered a couple walking on the rarely traveled footpath.

to a hanging photograph from which I

When I met them for about a week or more before that meeting I had started hearing wheezing coughing sobbing squeezing out the corners of the frame. I’d turn around walk back get into bed return to sleep wake up walk back to it again.

The night we met my sleeping troubles disappeared.

Night Five: A bit more wine girls? he said.

We were seated on the VERANDAH.

Be right back he said.

She leaned in closer to me said It seems as though we have a deep connection you and I. Do you know what I mean?

Night Six: We said goodbye just at the edge of the estate where parked beside the gate a taxicab was waiting in the dark.

Night Seven: After getting ready after giving my bags a run through guidebook matchbook I emerged from my apartment building right on schedule having factored in the likely waiting time for taxicabs around the corner by the bus stop. Right away I noticed that their car was sitting out in front of my apartment building. I had not expected them to pick me up

especially after what had happened on the night before

but

Hurrying my approaching I

especially after what

She stuck her head out of the car as if to say Surprise.

I got into their car. I had the feeling I was leaving behind a swarm.

Let’s go she said.

but

Yes let’s get me out of here I told myself.

I exited the Public Library (Restaurant: N) with (Bag Storage: N) but (Restrooms: Y) with all of my belongings with me. Then I ducked into the market just across the street. I had decided I would eat my lunch at one of the little wrought iron tables in the tree lined fairly crowded park behind the Public Library. Tourists mainly local couples working people baby strollers.

After another long much longer stint inside the (Recommended: Y) I went back over to the market spooned up dinner from the buffet of prepared foods set into a wide bank of warming trays before stopping at the adjacent drugstore. Fear of awakening in the middle of the night without sufficient

Weaving in among the trees the father hurried home while praying that his children who as far as he could tell were ignorant of his watching them would choose the easier slower path back to the house.

I bought some extra snacks because I was afraid of waking up to nothing next to me to eat.

Sky darkening the air a little chilly

There’s a suffocating feeling that I get when clouds roll in.

I stepped into the patio then down again to enter through the automatic doors.

You might not turn up anything she said.

I chose a number. Then

As if the clouds are rolling right into my mouth

And that’s why we need you he later said.

I took the elevator up.

my nose

the space behind my eyes

I feel

I feel

It seemed as if the darkness was what pulled that train along as if the darkness pulled the train to just exactly where it wanted all the people in the train with all their things to go.

The lady

more like vapor these days seeping through the cracks between the floorboards or through gaps around the door

grew somehow conscious of what heavy burdens these two women one who had a child

However on her own she couldn’t possibly have

He

The child

Although he did one day become

It was a frigid day when memories of the night his mother climbed releasing him from her grasp up to the railing on the bridge began to dim. He was a young man now who thanks to just one gentle request from mother to the chambermaid

The chambermaid was happy to help a child whose eyes she often thought showed true compassion

empathy

extraordinary sympathy resulting from a limitless sensitivity to

capacity for

To look into his eyes she told the lady when appealing in the child’s behalf is first to lose yourself inside their color then you find that you’ve come out upon the other side confronted by a trail into a forest of unfathomable dimension. Depth. So little sky. Those eyes.

So many trees.

He thus began to get his lessons in the mornings with the children from a nearby mansion. As he grew he more repeatedly began to think of nothing other than revenge for not just all the years his delicately featured fragile little mother spent inside that closet but for how her time on earth had bottomed out.

When on the train awakened by a jolt I

Slipping back into my country cottage dream I started to anticipate the return of the little boy’s parents. Absent from the dream they were apparently returning to the cottage. I grew anxious then

The rimmed in small blue painted flowers plate was trembling on my lap.

about what in the world I could say to the two familiar

They looked so familiar in that dream.

familiar figures who would all too soon be standing in the cottage doorway conjoined in a shared expression of knowing parental terror glazed over with a rapidly disappearing layer of hope. How can I possibly explain this thing I asked myself about the plate.

I awakened again. All quiet save the sounds of the train. Through the window I could watch the sky. The moon was full. I did not look at the woman sitting across from me. I only thought about the dream.

The answer that they

We were in the ENTRANCE

MAIN

(Night Five)

which as he pointed out

You have to admit he said.

was high. A gabled

pretty impressive!

stone projection to the right side of the STAIRCASE

MAIN

The answer was that he had disappeared before.

I felt as though I

Having spent my lifetime tangled up in skeins of thinnest threads I felt as though at last I was beginning to unweave.

Except he always

Sometimes it can take a few days she said. Even weeks he said.

came home.

She said However this time seems a little

That’s why we need you he interrupted. He was looking up into the ceiling.

She was looking down.

I stuck the key into the

402

It was a double with an ivory eyelet canopy on top with ruffle around the bottom both in dusty pink coordinated loosely with the carpet more directly with the walls all painted in the same pink color. Not just one but two gold painted chairs pink cushions shared a cozy corner with a floor lamp near a tripod table bunch of artificial flowers in a vase. The lightness of the carpet with the shortness of the ruffle meant that every corner of the room could be looked into even underneath the bed.

There was a blocked off fireplace white painted grate the window dressed in triple treatment of white vinyl blind behind a gauzy dark green curtain fringed at top with matching valance. May sound good but it was seedy. A little dirty. Worse than 607. There were pictures though. A row of slightly banged up seasonal depictions of a lake a seated conversation on a porch two different sailing scenes one ordinary sailing scene one showing children using sticks to push toy boats across the surface of a pond. But catching my attention in a lingering way

It started with a jolt.

was one medium sized portrait

good condition

hung above the fireplace.

If we should try imagining the raw intensity of the feelings of that child

a man now

we would find a new example of

The child became a

uncontrolled connection with not one

not two

He waits.

He walks.

He passes fluidly among three states of consciousness.

I laid a towel across the bed. I opened the spaghetti suddenly remembering after buttering the bagel halves a dream from several nights ago that I had not recalled until the moment when I stepped into the train.

On board I passed from car to car looked for a seat across from seats still empty. When I spotted just exactly what I wanted I remembered dreaming of

I felt a momentary pang of longing sitting eating on the bed.

All dark. As I could suddenly recall on board that train the person in the dream who chased me was unknown. While being chased while crossing from the concrete walkway to the grass while trying desperately to keep my distance out in front I also tried while crossing grass to walkway grass to slow my shifting sense of who he was. This effort to arrest his image as the high speed nature cameras capture

for example

wingbeats

Not a moment to explain the horrors to his wife not even to describe the bride’s

white

fur

handwarmer

torn to shreds

the lightly traveled pathway sprinkled with a curly bloody mess

diagonally the man cut through the clearing opened up the door and grabbed his wife and told her that they had to leave at once because their sons were coming home.

This wanting to identify the man was

Drawing a halt to this accelerating period of remembering was a woman on the train who sat across from me. I had no memory of her physical appearance or possessions but I vividly remembered some of what

This wanting to identify the man was overtaken by the physical necessity in seeing my apartment building stop itself from smearing blurring fading fast because of being chased around so rapidly repeatedly by us.

a couple of the woman’s thoughts.

It now occurred to me that this might be a good occasion to review take stock of things I’d done things not done things I’d seen or speculated even playing back my

I will finish dinner take a rest then go back up to 6 then down to 3 to have a look around I told myself.

The first real difference

he explained

(Night Five)

the three of us still standing in the ENTRANCE

MAIN

was in the phone calls. Starting two days after they had seen him for the last time day or night at least one phone call came. Nobody spoke no sound no numbers visible on the caller identification screen. Gradually they noticed the duration of the calls decreasing. At the same time it became more troubling to receive one. She especially had found these calls from no name calling from no number so upsetting that he had requested that if she could not see

He said Any numbers on the

I agreed immediately she interrupted.

Our discussion of this subject was confined entirely to the

Next morning exiting through the automatic doors then crossing through the patio to take the two steps up into the little ivy covered archway I was for the second time confronted with the vision of abandoned businesses across the street. However on that dreary morning those uneven overhangs doors windows boarded painted overpostered mismatched signs seemed oddly unified.

We have a favor to ask you she had said.

How could I find someone in such a place as this I asked myself. When staying in the patio for any length of time to see who comes who goes is not an option. Same for watching from across the street.

Instead of going out for breakfast I had waited out the morning rain repacking polishing off my snacks. Now headed back to (Recommended: Y) I felt so disappointed. Worried. Even fearful. I was wondering if this whole trip wasn’t just a serious underestimation of the challenges in finding someone who so clearly

On my left the drugstore then the market suddenly I realized

Public Library at my back

I found that I had turned the corner going in a new

I walked. I headed in a new

She said I just can’t tell you what this means to me.

I walked.

He said To us.

Until I stopped. I checked the guidebook. Started toward the concrete ramp.

Divided into thirds by swooping golden banisters the massive staircase had been made entirely avoidable by the presence of the concrete ramp off to its left.

I rolled my suitcase up to enter through the double doors then followed the sign to where I checked my (Bag Storage: Y) then stuffed my other things inside a (Lockers: Y) before I got into the nonmembers line for (Family/Senior/Group Rates: Y).

But are you absolutely certain that they don’t know where I am?

The evening when this journey first began I felt no little trepidation for the task that I was taking on. However as I went through my belongings one last time despite the guidebook’s lack of anything encouraging to say about it I imagined my accommodations as a small oasis

respite from a life that I had wanted for so long to find a way to

Grateful for the circumstances that had like a miracle

Because you can anticipate the needs of other living forms you also understand the need for sacrifice.

It came to me that I

And in acknowledgment of this you’re being handsomely

I was convinced that finally I had received the opportunity to have the sort of

find a way

She said We knew it just as soon

Indeed as we approached the station as the distance from the swarm increased as light accumulated bit by bit around the car as we got closer to the place for pulling over at the station taking up the empty seat beside me in the car I started to imagine him for whom I would be searching sitting there when we would all be riding back to the estate the four of us together in the car.

We just can’t tell you how much we

However when I got on board that train I was reminded of a pairing of environments

two worlds that must remain apart

a powerful relationship

He said It’s true. He said You really are.

blue skies

green rolling hills

a glittering wavy line across the broad horizon.

She said She knows what she is.

White puffy clouds above

bright flashing colors down below.

When I arrived at that hotel the feeling that I had was even more unsettling. Jesus God what am I doing here I asked myself. That night I tried to call them but they did not answer it.

They did not ever answer any of my calls again.

Although the guidebook clearly noted quite a few

(Successive Nights: N) (Restaurant: N) (Bar: N)

potential inconveniences

before arriving

Know what I mean?

I thoroughly anticipated seeing people in the elevator

hallways

going in

out

waiters maybe maids at least

not only fleeting shadows

flashes

Man 1

2

I pictured couples meeting talking waiting (Smoking: Y) reclining in the (Lobby Seating: N).

It’s true. The lobby wasn’t much. No telephones no cubbyholes no wingback chairs.

I’ll try to trace this back to where it started from again.

The night we met I did not stay the night. They had me driven home by taxicab. As we progressed along the rural roads the city glowing up ahead I watched a gently broken playback of the night. When I awakened due to our arrival at my building I remember looking at the rearview mirror for the taxi driver’s eyes. I have no memory of the taxi driver’s eyes. It was as if the taxi driver had no face.

I fully wanted to expect that on the following Friday I would turn around at work to see them sitting there again. But when that Friday came they were not there.

BETWEEN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS I frequently discovered I had slipped into a halfway dreaming state in which I walked inside a tunnel. I would stop hold up a candle to the tunnel walls as if in search of something on or in the walls.

You see the night we met they took me back to their estate. To our place as he called it. Then Our generous conspicuously simple main roof used as dominating background to a sequence of assorted minor themes. I freshened up went down the STAIRS turned left passed three closed doors. They got up from their heavy leather chairs as soon as I appeared within the doorway to the STUDY. On the wall above the fireplace above a little lacquered box that sat off center on the mantel near an oval mirror on a pewter stand there hung a photographically realistic painting of a house. As viewed through open gates it was a small but sumptuous symmetrically arranged stone manor with a front façade encrusted with carved flowers complemented by stone pots that lined the bottom edge containing living flowers of the same variety as the carved ones.

That’s another one of his he said.

A black front door. Bright doorknob. Knocker. Disc shaped window up above the knocker. Those same flowers set like handprints in the glass.

Then two weeks later when I turned around at work to see them in their usual spot I felt that something I had been so desperate for in order to survive had been administered to my soul. I also felt that I had known that this would be the night although this sense of knowing did not lessen my relief at seeing them. That night (Night Two) my shift completed we went back to their estate. When we arrived they led me to the DRAWING ROOM where following champagne with several chunks of chocolate almond bark the invitation came to stay the night. Although at first I hesitated

Don’t do anything to show premeditation.

I accepted. When they led me up to where the bedrooms were she opened up the door into the pretty lemon sitting room connected to a bathroom. She said Since you are familiar with it you can stay in here. She opened up another door to show me that connected to the sitting room there was a pale orange rose pink bedroom that I had not seen the last time. She said You’ll find everything you need in there. So after freshening up I joined them briefly in the STUDY. Next we went to the VERANDAH where he pointed to a padded chair said Please. She said Sit down. He said I’ll get some wine. She said she had a story to tell me.

After that I did not see them for three weeks.

BETWEEN THE WEEKS my sleeping went uninterrupted although in the dreamlike spaces of my waking life when I was not examining the tunnel with the candle I began to see collected pictures fused together into overlays that covered up the real life version of the world. Blank surfaces were most susceptible. Some not blank surfaces turned blank when I had looked at them which made them ready to be filled with pictures. IN THESE WEEKS my sleep began to change as well. Although as soon as I had met them all my sleeping troubles disappeared

no waking walking to that photograph at which I listened for the wheezing coughing sighing trapped behind the glass

I here began to find that in the morning I would wake up crying as though having suddenly recalled a tragedy that seamless sleep had temporarily screened out. In tears my body trembling in my bed I looked around the room. Upon the surfaces the objects all the fabrics even on the walls I made out traces of a presence. None of the details. Just the loss.

INSIDE OF THOSE THREE WEEKS I had decided that if given the chance to do it I would stay the weekend although so as not to give the wrong impression

Do not let them think you’re overeager.

So I told myself that I would not say yes immediately. The night they showed up in their usual spot my heart skipped beats inside my body that was strangely enough relaxed. I felt like lying down. I also had a boundless energy to be expended. When my shift was done we left together. We were getting in the car when she requested that I stay the weekend. How she asked it sealed my certainty about the wisdom in accepting. Doubtless I was entering into something that had weathered generations. Stabilized by rules of etiquette refined by deep felt understandings of propriety of decency of wholesomeness this shape was fixed then fortified against the changing times by surface over surface of the way that things had always been laid down in alternation with the way that things should always be. He never joined us in the conversation about the weekend but as soon as I accepted he said Great. They drove me to my building waiting in the car while I went in to gather everything that I would need from my apartment.

It was very late when I awakened when we turned onto the gravel road on their estate. We all went straight upstairs. This room was different from the last room. This new room was situated farther down the hall beyond a little antique bookcase then around the corner where beside the door there was an antique lyre back chair that clearly was not meant for sitting on. I went to bed immediately. My sleeping was not interrupted. Following that I did not see them for a month.

She does not tremble although recently she finds herself entirely overcome by feelings

more like waves

of desolation

patterns

of anticipation.

Waiting for she knows not what she takes her clothes off.

Opens up her case.

Selects the things that she will need.

Takes out a candle.

Lights it.

I stepped through the doorway to the stately hall of statues Roman Greek an elevated grand arrangement of cracked heroes

chipped

their bodies turned in different directions

heads

the ones that had them

angled differently

the faces pointed at a variety of spots well in the distance of that limited although eternally unknowable majestic city. Their gaze was collective

fixed as by coordinated effort on a set of points beyond those parchment tinted walls. Effect of having eyeholes rather than real eyes I told myself. Their expressions possessing vacancy as well as depth each searing cold stone look was trained upon a destination far too distant formless timeless for the living seeing person even to envisage.

My first night in that hotel

If I could clarify

If I could just

I woke up put my coat on boots went out into the hallway listened

605

but I heard nothing save the distant rumble of the ice machine. I wondered what would bring a person to a place like this.

There’s something going on in there I told myself. The elevator seemingly modern but so noisy kicking into motion sent me hurrying back into my

607

clarify if I

That night although I

On that night it’s true I nodded off almost immediately. But later on I did wake up. I had a hard time pulling

Once awakened

drink of water

snacks

I could not get to sleep again. My gaze was totally unwilling to abandon that one portion of the ceiling where strange sinewy reflections had begun emerging from the areas closest to the Chinese chandelier.

This final question concerning what they knew

did not

But are you absolutely certain that they

to be asked by him as a predicted answer to the questions asked by me for

Was there

Was there

had inspired in me not just contemplation. I was getting nervous. Feeling hungry too.

I got up out of bed put on my coat my boots then

key

I stepped into the hallway listening

605

but hearing nothing I went back into my

607

water

snacks

I closed my eyes but still I saw those shimmering squiggling shapes. They seemed to spill out from the center of my mind.

Regardless of his current state or his location he began to find himself transported back into that closet looking down upon the little seamstress down below.

The child

a young man now sent off to school

as from a hovering point of view deriving from an upper corner spot

was tiny enough that she his mother who was graceful light methodically at work upon a purple gown of heavy satin with a pattern of gold peacock plumes was ignorant of his presence. He could see within the purple gown a golden wildness into which he could have dropped himself although he also saw among the golden eyes within the pattern overwhelming possibilities for not just weeping rivers but for sending out a multitudinous unyielding one eyed mesmerizing stare back at the world.

Upon a dreadful morning she had floated high upon a bridge however now she lived inside a closet dedicated to a gown that would precede another gown another gown another until one day when she was working diligently on a sheer white silk chiffon

the neckline of the bodice square in front

V shape in back

just like a story

gathering of the finest ecru lace to frame the neckline

split in two:

1. seamstress who was rescued from a railing

2. little mother drowning in the icy depths below

the bodice heavily embroidered with a silk floss goldenrod design outlined with silver thread through crystal beads the straight skirt flared just slightly at the hemline flowing into a sweeping train originating at the hip.

Perhaps it was the future that revealed itself to him all splattered across the goldenrod design traced through the skirt increasing in a heavier pattern of embellishment as it approached the

splattered on the

No mere hemline it was nothing less than an inevitable explosion of gold crystal beads among gold sparkling rhinestone studs

Not just embellishment

all splattered too.

The hip.

The hip.

Unable to endure this he would pray to be transported elsewhere.

Where?

The fact that I could check or lock my coat my suitcase tote bag everything I carried made the City Museum quite well suited to my situation. In addition to a fancy glass walls (Restaurant: Y) there was a central courtyard entered through a (Cafeteria: Y). I brought my tray into the (Outdoor Seating: Y) to eat among the families tourists locals mostly there in pairs except for elderly people who like velum cutouts flapped at times almost invisible in shifting autumn light. The galleries the corridors so crowded

everywhere

filled up

then layered over

all those faces

buried under

peeking out

I was so desperate to get out of there the whole time I was there.

Come here.

WITHIN THAT MONTH I took an unexpected course of action that although a little reckless shocking quietly it had presented itself to me as simply unavoidable. It happened three weeks in when I went home from work. Third Friday in a row when they had not shown up. As soon as I walked in I fell into a heap of sobbing on the floor. When I had managed to collect myself

Go wash your face dear.

Pull yourself together.

Get to bed lie down and try to go to

I decided I would call. Before I called them I made certain that my number was restricted from the view of anyone I called. I was not calling them for talking.

Then what are you calling for? Don’t call.

She answered. Never did she sound upset annoyed unnerved nor angry or afraid. Hello she said again. She waited as if she were listening to an incantation being spoken. As if spell had finally delivered speaker to a pause she said Hello again.

I was afflicted with a powerful sense of guilt when on that Friday night I turned to see them seated in their usual corner spot. However this new weighty burden also was invigorating to experience as if by some strange art I had succeeded in delivering them to there myself. I wondered if they knew the call had come from me. Because of how she looked at me throughout the evening I determined that she knew. I was convinced however that he did not know. Our little secret. On that night we went to their estate. I was supposed to spend the night but did not make it all the way. Still dark it was so very early in the morning when they had me driven home. Next evening I stepped on the platform looking down the line all doors all windows of the train.

Some people say that when they hear a person say that he or she had no idea that something either was about to happen or it had been going on for

for example criminal behavior

marital affairs

an unlocked little locked

My first night in that hotel when standing in the hallway listening

605

before I went back into my

I took the elevator down to 3. I walked. I did not see a thing on 3.

What does he look like I had asked.

You’ll know him when you see him she had said.

Which room is yours I later asked her. Then

Which room is his.

These people say that people who insist that they had no idea about such things are lying.

lacquered box.

I took the stairs to 4 then took the elevator up to 7 where the hallway lights were out. Still nothing. No one. Took the stairs back down to 6.

I turned the corner entering a long transitional space that linked the statuary to the paintings in a gallery called Baroque. This long transitional space was covered on both sides with

mirror images

a matching painted reproduction of a set of draperies hanging from a fancy valance pulled together at each side with lavishly painted golden ropes that left me feeling weakened in the knees.

I did not go into Baroque.

Heart palpitations challenged by a draining queasiness throughout my limbs I claimed my things then started walking back as quickly as I could to that hotel.

Inside a KITCHEN doorway leading down into the BASEMENT (Night Six) she said It’s the oddest thing. She said I just don’t see you very clearly in that big apartment building you are living in. She said I see the building in the distance. Getting closer I can see the walkway see the double doors can even see into a little of the lobby. I can feel your feelings hear your thoughts. Make out the numbers on your door. She said But I can’t enter into where you live.

She closed the BASEMENT off said We won’t go down there then led me back upstairs.

The contrast was

The windows in the basement all have iron bars she said as we proceeded up. She said And if I understand you half as well as I

She stopped herself.

She turned looked back at me said By the way do I detect in you a little

Stopped.

The change in atmosphere as we proceeded from the STAIRCASE FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE BASEMENT to the STAIRCASE HALL that led us back into the STUDY where he had been waiting for us with some special late night sweets produced in me immediate sensations of relief.

This was the night when I had been invited to stay the night but did not make it all the way.

cheeks pink eyes outlined blue blue lidded lashes body scented blue no straps no cups legs shimmering sheerest blue shoes blue blue velvet buckles ankle straps she waits inside this room in waning candlelight where sapphire powder for her eyelids got into her eyes all images dissolving in it as she lies down on the bed her face now floating down upon the blue tears staining streaks into the cotton white

I took the elevator up.

One day a man went out of doors to call out for his wife.

407

They gathered they petitioned on those walls that had been papered in the very same (607) aspects of an ordinary Chinese lifestyle. On the same red background brightly colored figures

As the man’s wife had not answered any of his calls he had no option but to go into the forest searching.

argued to the judge

His heart beat rapidly as he imagined what he might discover in the forest and while he advanced he prayed that when he found his wife she would be safe. However at the same time he felt angry that his solitude had been disturbed.

But looking around I noted plenty of substantial differences as well. I put my tote bag on the bed unpacked a few things from my suitcase. For example just one nightstand. In addition to a one bulb ceiling fixture over the bed the pineapple lamp was small. Cream pleated shade. No floor lamps. No black table with a drawer below a shelf.

Although it was so early I turned down the very same leafy bedspread exposing the same pink

On the bed I laid my dinner long limp french fries hotdog mustard relish catsup packets on a towel.

The man recalled his house his chair and ottoman the gentle breezes through the open windows. So as not to lose his way he kept his path as straight as he could keep it. But what he had not anticipated when he went that afternoon into the forest was the movement of the outer and the inner rings of trees. Like gears rotating in opposite directions they were turning.

It’s a little difficult to talk about she might have answered had he asked her whom she had been listening to that night when I had called them on the telephone. But I will try. Each little story

No let’s say each song she might have said. It has an atmosphere.

It would have been a cooler night on the VERANDAH where the feeling would be private. Intimate. Exclusive.

Something scampered up the screen.

This singer is in harmony with certain states of inner life she might continue tuned into the same dimension as the song. What happens in a case like this is simply the inevitable effect of

Do you see she might have said in an attempt to redirect

Each one is written on a plane.

I see he might have said. A plane.

Or if you like she might have said

one last attempt to put it in a form that he could understand

it floats within a world to which I momentarily attune as soon as I pick up the phone.

At other times he found himself transported back into the cloakroom where that woman who was much too old for such exhausting forms of labor would be cleaning organizing toilets hanging clothing on the racks. Down on her knees at first then standing stretching reaching in as far as she could reach

she’d even disappear in there

knees creaking

momentarily

then out again

still searching. He would watch her desperately flickering hands whose skeletal fingers rummaged hastily within the racks as seen from his perspective from that corner of the ceiling.

What’s she looking for in there?

One day

It was a wretched day.

he turned into the park then chose a narrow pathway passing under trees with icy steely colored branches decorated with the white lights of the season. He stopped walking looked across the cracks upon the frozen lake but he was right away transported back to where the wheezing woman in the lower rack of clothing searching

reaching

going in

For what?

That was the time when she did come back.

I’ll look for him

I told myself

a little later on.

Next morning figuring good idea to go back where I’d started I was in the reading room again. Grand hall watched over by elaborately framed dark portraits shining facelessly from where they hung upon the walls. Illuminated by the ceiling lights was dust from far too many solitary arid paths picked up then carried in by lonely people who had somehow made it to that place that seemed consumed by feelings of true heartbreak

although entering into there was to attempt to lose oneself in notions of imaginary heartbreak.

While the guidebook raved at its collection much of which could be requested quickly fetched what left a more immediate impression was the smell of alcohol enhanced with body odor. Wanting to look at the people responsible for the smell competed in me with not wanting to look at anyone who might look back. Also snaking its way in between these divided desires was an irrational but profound physical impulse to look at the smell itself.

It was a place that sat about in rags an edifice that looked out at the world with such a weightiness a gloominess that truly was dismaying. All those loiterers. Staff workers. Authors. Characters in the books. They all had lost resistance. On that day in fact it seemed as though the whole thing

books as well

had just passed out.

Having situated myself at the end of one of the reading tables I decided that I would go back to the hotel as early as possible check in eat dinner early go out look for him. Unless

I told myself

the seat adjacent to my seat now filling in

Unless I get to bed get up then catch the first train home show up tomorrow night for work. The question is I told myself how do I kill this afternoon.

It happened

as she told it

three months prior to the day when he was born.

Not me he reassured me winking leading us out to the VERANDAH. (Night Two.) Him he said. He was so giddy as compared to her right now. The difference: night to day. He pointed to a padded chair said Please. She said Sit down. He said I’ll get the glasses.

In her story it was morning when a gentleman first knocked upon the door. Then late that night a figure showed up at her bed. The gentleman in the doorway was deformed. The figure at the bed was feminine though in describing this mysterious figure she did not say female. She did not say woman.

With one match she lit the cluster of short candles in the center of the table while he hurried to get the bottle open. I had understood it that the figure was an apparition she said seating herself across from me. He said I can’t remember sitting down beside her. Was it someone in the family? Someone that we knew?

A sadness sifted like pale sands behind her eyes as she replied that it was neither friend nor family. She said But the love that I was sensing from this presence made me feel as though it had to be connected to me.

Cheers he said. Good friends.

The presence told her

as she told us

pulling up her feet into the padded chair

She gave her nose a little blow.

that he

The being called him he.

would manage to accomplish something meaningful in life.

The point in telling us the story now as she explained was that the meaningful had lately with the onset of these calls begun to signify or possibly even point the way to something else. She told us that the figure who had appeared at the end of her bed had always made her fear

For him she said.

this fear increasing with the coming up of certain birthdays. How I dreaded all those numbers she said returning to the other portion of the story

the deformed gentleman at the door. He knocked.

I asked what time.

Next morning after breakfast I walked through the playground then the park returned to the hotel to pick up all my things to drop the key into the slot head for the station catch the first train home get back in time for work. However as if acting in accordance with the orders of an unknown mechanism operating from an unidentifiable location I betrayed my plan by opening up the guidebook after exiting the patio then taking turns resulting in my after quite a hike arrival at the waterfront. From there I took the (Transportation: Ferry) to the Summer Castle nearly hidden behind apparently impenetrable hedges. This one was the most romantic most enchanting underappreciated as the guidebook put it (Peak: Spring/Summer) of the (Recommended: Y).

From where he stands outside the gate the park appears to have transformed itself into a broad arcade of mirrored corridors that lead to spaces that have been closed off. The glaze upon his eyes distorts his vision. Marble columns

terra cotta columns

plaster

seem pulled out of their alignment

propped up. Smells of autumn leaves. The smoke from nearby chimneys.

Longing for a rest he walks until he finds the benches that surround the lake.

The park seems recently to have been rearranged along two overlapping axes that produce a pair of vistas. Space that once flowed freely into space now seems to have been cut up walled off into regions into which no one can pass. Is someone sitting next to me? He looks then looks behind him slantwise peering back at rows of glowing gray divisions separating corridor from corridor discerning statues that are still from statues moving under coverings he knows as treetops. All of this reflected in tall mirrors framed by spaces in between the columns. From these figures he hears laughing. Talking. Squinting he would swear that he can even hear some kissing. Generally speaking this whole place expresses attitudes of mind that are unfeeling unconcerned entirely ignorant of his suffering. Turning again

Real suffering.

he looks across the lake.

Unlike the park itself which seems to have been cut up separated into parts the lake has spilled into a wide expanse of brokenness. He sees it as a lake of heavy gilt framed mirrors laid down side by side as if across a surface that the undergrowth combined with what’s pushed up from down below has made uneven all the varying angles of reflection having come together in a glittering array of shattered light.

Like splendid papers hung on walls that hold framed portraits of imposing faces

Like deep patterned rugs laid down beneath the finest carved scrolled wooden feet

Like heavily embellished curtains drawn across broad windows looking out on what was grown there dug up out of there dragged off from there

I’d swear that there is someone sitting next to me right now.

we are reminded

No there’s no one sitting next to you.

Where did she go?

to look at something else.

Get out of here. Go get her.

Who?

Arriving at the castle on the main path from the south

proceeding around the corner to the moated gateway on the north

then through this gateway to the inner wall

through NORTH GATE into STABLE

past the east or KITCHEN front

through two more big gates down below

depositing me at last onto the SOUTH FACADE

I circled it

my rolling suitcase struggling on these old time surfaces

without apparent end in view but with a feeling of pure joy

enlightenment

deep drawn awareness of the beauty in the tragedies on top of tragedies that I perceived in this location gotten to by boat. As I grew conscious of such feelings my entire being filled up with desire. This new sensation touched me so profoundly that I wished to get as close as I

In other words I hoped I prayed to find a way to pull it deep enough into myself that I

I mean I wanted just to take that castle

lie down naked on those ruined grounds

my legs spread open

shove that castle straight up into me.

He has resumed his course. He turns a corner moving along as if this journey had been permanently coded into him by someone

something

situated on the other side of somewhere else. While there are times when suddenly he finds himself in places where the agony of being sent to there is more than he can

There are many other times when he is totally unable to abandon present circumstances. At those times he begs to be transported back.

When leading us up the FIVE STONE STEPS he said It’s just so lucky that we met.

It’s nothing to do with luck she said.

Atop of the FIVE STONE STEPS we hooked around the CORNER

NORTHWEST of the mansion. Picturesque bay windowed spot for peering into the DRAWING ROOM.

I thought I saw a form behind the glass. He took me by the arm. He turned us all around.

THAT NIGHT

NEXT NIGHT

when I got up walked out into the hall I found that I was standing at the door into the NURSERY

DAY. I did not try the door. I turned. I took the STAIRCASE

MAIN

down to the ENTRANCE

MAIN. I then went back up to my room.

No. That’s not true. I went into the

Fourth door on the left.

to see the little lacquered box beside the oval mirror on the mantel underneath the

photographic painting of a house.

Now looking through the windows she can see a figure moving down below contorted trees above the twisted roots that cover everything. She pulls the curtains closed. She lies down on the bed looks all around her at the floor.

Thus with the sighting of a movement that cannot be stopped has come anticipation of a cover of patina creeping over every surface like a shoreline onto which a rolling tide encroaches.

The interior of that castle

as the little pamphlet indicated

had at one time been an antiquarian chiaroscuro. Open framework open timber roofs elaborate chimneypieces in the hall with other lesser chimneypieces in the rooms. So many painted decorations. Finest frescoes on the walls adorned with armor

weapons

heraldry

high stained glass windows

plaster busts

Etruscan vases

pictures

tapestries

The castle

it was written

had been built up through the years

a tower added here

there

blasted

some things taken away

put back

torn down

Too tired to fight it anymore that castle obviously had gone behind the hedge allowed itself to be completely opened up then shot up into turned all inside out.

THAT NIGHT

NIGHT FIVE

I went down to the KITCHEN opened up the corner door then started down the stairs into the BASEMENT.

On the train awakened by another even bigger jolt

amazingly

I managed slipping back into that dream again.

Clock ticking on the wall inside the cottage I fell sound asleep.

WITHIN THE DREAM INSIDE THE COUNTRY COTTAGE DREAM I then was given information

somehow

that the dying of the little boy was nothing but a big mistake.

The little boy

as I was made to know

was meant to be alive.

I woke up from THE DREAM WITHIN THE

clock not ticking

COUNTRY COTTAGE DREAM

still in the OUTER COTTAGE DREAM

elated

dropping tears of joy

true happiness

immeasurable relief. I hurried over to the bedroom door which was completely covered up with vines with tiny blooms. I opened it.

My job WITHIN THE COUNTRY COTTAGE DREAM was Take that information about the life into the bedroom. Take it to the bed that has the tiny body of the boy on top of it. Then shake the body tell the boy that he was meant to be alive.

However there was not a body in the bed.

Just shake the boy!

clock ticking again

When I got back on board the ferry

leaving behind the honey colored stony clusters of the fallen gables

crumpled towers

toppled

candy wrappers

walls

no longer high

dilapidated

broken bottles

heaps of rock

surrounded by the weakened but remarkably undestroyed stone battlements encircled by a moat

tin cans

I thought about my feelings as with all of my belongings with me I had walked the pamphlet in my hand around that castle.

I was not its only visitor although I might as well have been. The cool fall air that heralded the onset of the winter winds intensified the feeling of desertion. Isolation.

Crushed.

Save pigeons

seagulls shrieking

wheeling endlessly through ruined walls

the moat long since closed in with tall weeds thick reeds grasses rippling over what according to the pamphlet had at one time been the widest smoothest lawns

was anything but inviting. Watching from the ferry little could be seen except a wall of overgrowth

the garden wall was smothered by the saplings.

towers soaring

plunging

Though it was apparently inanimate I feared that I had managed to awaken it that day igniting a continuation of the terribly steady stalled slow process of its creeping crawl upon the surface of the earth. It carried all its emptiness

its endless infestations

with it.

As the ferry pulled away I half expected I would see that castle coming after me.

What do you think you’re doing coming all the way down here? she said.

Next morning

Which one?

Doesn’t matter. There would be no others after that.

That night I took the elevator up.

THE NIGHT WE MET

THE NIGHT I ALSO MET A MAN who asked if he could drive me home

if I had answered otherwise I might have ridden IN ANOTHER CAR out to another mansion facing an enormous courtyard organized around a flame. Upon a balcony above a central entrance might have hung a bell. That bell will ring

as he

my new companion

might have told me with his hand so gently at my back

whenever we want to celebrate. Above the entrance left of center might have stood a bronze winged female figure arm extended toward a garden on the other side of which there might have stood a little gallery containing

Souvenirs.

as my companion would have said.

Mementos.

Various outdoor sections of the grounds would link by patios connecting by vine covered archways to a networked garden whose main artery

a hall of blooming flowers

would have led INTO A HOTHOUSE.

IN THE MANSION HIGH ABOVE THE STAIRWAY

seen upon first entering it

there might have hung the mural of all murals.

Just to see it there

together

my companion

I

to see them all up there

a panorama into which his image

my companion’s

You will too my precious. Someday.

would be added

might make my companion very sad escorting me through the spacious rooms devoted to

The greatest most enduring name in all these lands.

Their crest would show on crystal vases furniture in paintings porcelain dishes silver serving pieces china

No there are no casual encounters he would later whisper as we walked INTO THE HOTHOUSE where exotic blooming sweet intoxication had awaited us.

At times

although I would not want to let him go

because of my companion’s deep felt sadness for his many loved ones lost

including

someday

me

I’d wish for nothing more than I would wish for his immediate departure from this earth.

702

The paper on the walls a dingy peeling floral pattern was at one time surely very happy looking against crown molding that had once been white but now was not. Above the fireplace there was a mirror hanging opposite another mirror neither of them new. The windows had lace curtains on them. Underblinds on both. Upon the dresser there were two brass candlesticks. No candles. On a little table near the door there was a shiny Chinese serving tray that looked as if it had been brought in there then left there. On the bed there was a simple yellow bedspread.

I put down my things then laid a towel across the bed.

I started to unpack but then I stopped.

I put the serving tray upon the towel took out my dinner from the sack looked over at the wall.

THAT NIGHT

THE NIGHT I TOLD HIM NO

If I had told him yes I might have found a way to get

What do you think of all of this he asked me. She had gone to check on dinner. It was chilly out there in the moonlight on a pathway hugging the periphery of the mansion where he had been taking me on a stroll. He pointed out the KITCHEN then adjacent to its outdoor ENTRANCE

KITCHEN

was the SCULLERY

outdoor entrance: none

Then turning there we passed the ENTRANCE

SERVANTS’

followed by the DINING ROOM

no outdoor entrance

followed by

still talking

so much telling

asking

surreptitiously

no touching yet

not yet

the ENTRANCE

NORTH

MAIN

which contained the secret

On my neck there was I thought just for a moment heavy breathing.

entrance to the STUDY. Then we turned the corner on the DRAWING ROOM’S no entrance skirting around to the VERANDAH

outside entrance

No of course there was no outside way of getting into the